Líderes de Impacto, Inc.

by Gary Chapman, Ph.D.

Uncontrolled anger can destroy your marriage! The feeling of anger is not sinful. Even God feels anger (Psalm 7:11). Great social reforms have been motivated by anger. But uncontrolled anger has destroyed the lives of thousands.

All of us get angry when we feel that we have been wronged. Such anger is never condemned in scripture. In Ephesians 4:26 we read: “Being angry, sin not. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” We are responsible for controlling our behavior when we feel angry. The husband or wife who lashes out with harsh words or hurtful behavior is sinning.

So how am I to control my behavior when I’m angry? The first step is to restrain your immediate response. “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). Your immediate response to anger will likely be a sinful one. Thus, we must think before we act. There are numerous ways to keep from responding too quickly. When I was a child my mother said, “When you get angry, always count to ten before you say anything.” Mom’s advice was good, but I suggest you count to 100 or 1,000. You might also take a walk around the block while you are counting. One lady told me that when she felt angry, she would water her flowers. “The first summer I tried this I almost drowned my petunias,” she said. The key is to do something to stop the flow of hurtful words and abusive behavior. Take a “time out” and you are less likely to sin.

While you are in your “time out,” let me suggest you examine your anger. Ask yourself questions such as: “Why am I angry? Is it what my spouse said? Is it what he/she did? Is it the way they looked at me?” One husband said, “She gives me that look and I get knots in my stomach.” The most important question to ask is “Did my spouse sin against me?”

If they sinned, then we should be angry. That is godly anger. However, much of our anger is distorted – things simply did not go our way. We did not get what we wanted. This is not godly anger. If our anger is distorted, we need to confess our selfish response, accept God’s forgiveness, and release our anger to Him.

On the other hand, if your anger is legitimate, arising from the sin of your spouse, the biblical instruction is clear. We are to lovingly confront our spouse with their sin (Luke 17: 3-4). God Himself gets angry when people sin. His response is always to convict, discipline, and correct (Hebrews 12: 5-8). He is our model.

God’s purpose for anger is that it motivates us to lovingly confront. We dare not sit idly by and make no effort to help our spouse turn from sin. When I say lovingly confront, I am not talking about yelling and screaming at your spouse. In my book, Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Powerful Way, I suggest that couples write the following words on an index card and put it on the refrigerator door. When you feel angry toward your spouse, get the card and read it to them. Here’s what the card says: “I’m feeling angry right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” It brings a little humor into the tenseness and it reminds you of what you are not going to do (lose your temper). It also asks for their help in dealing with your anger. Recently a young lady said to me, “My parents raised me on that anger card. It has been on our refrigerator as long as I can remember. Any time a family member is angry with another, we grab the card and read it. I never knew where she got the idea. But now that I’m getting married, I’m planning to have a card on my refrigerator door.” May I encourage you to follow her example? It may become one of your family traditions.

The purpose of confronting is first of all, to determine whether your spouse has indeed sinned against you, or if you misunderstood their words or misinterpreted their actions. If it has simply been a misunderstanding, then your confrontation has served its purpose and the anger dissipates. However, if it becomes clear that your spouse has indeed sinned against you, the godly response is for them to confess their sin and you to forgive them. When this happens, anger has served its godly purpose. It led you to constructive action which resolved the issue in a healthy manner.

If the spouse is unwilling to confess their sin, the scriptures encourage us to pray that God will convict them of their wrong and then confront them again, seeking reconciliation (Matthew 18:15-16). If they continue in their sinful behavior, the scriptures indicate that we should release them to God and release our anger to God. This was illustrated by Christ Himself. Peter says of Jesus, “When they reviled against Him, He did not revile but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1Peter 2:23). We are then instructed to “treat them as a pagan” (Matthew 18:17). What do we do for pagans? We pray for them, we love them, we return good for evil. In so doing, we may be God’s instrument for bringing them to a place of repentance.

Don’t allow yourself to be eaten up with anger. Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident. If we harbor anger, it turns to bitterness, and bitterness turns to hatred. And we find ourselves taking revenge and trying to make our spouse pay for their sin. That is never our responsibility. God says, “Vengeance is mine. I will repay” (Romans 12:19). In God’s plan, anger is designed to motivate us to take constructive action; always seeking reconciliation. It is never His desire that we should lash out with harsh words and abusive behavior. Learning to control and direct one’s anger in a positive manner is one of the most important lessons we will ever learn. Learning it will greatly enhance our marriages.