Líderes de Impacto, Inc.

by Les Carter, Ph.D.

As Nancy rolled her eyes, heaving an exaggerated sigh, her face said it all. She was at her wits end, not knowing how to proceed with her husband, Norman. “He’s the most unreachable person I know,” she said with exhausted self-restraint. “He’ll make one promise after another about improving our marriage but nothing ever comes of it. I’ve talked with him until I’m blue in the face. I’ve pleaded. I’ve cried. I’ve yelled. But nothing can get him to change course. In fact, the more I persuade, the more it seems to energize him in the wrong direction.”

Nancy went on to explain how Norman was the type of money manager who could screw up any budget. He was a slob and a procrastinator. Rarely did he follow through on chores. Occasionally she would receive reassurances from him about being more responsible, but inevitably she would later realize he was just saying what was needed to get her off his back. Commonly he would give one-word responses to her queries. Sometimes he would not speak at all when spoken to. He was secretive. He forgot birthdays. He had moments when he seemed friendly, yet he was not affectionate and had no particular interest in sex.

“What angers me the most,” she said, “is that he did such a good sales job to get me to marry him. Prior to the wedding he was a gentleman. He was considerate and had a sense of humor. I genuinely believed he liked me because he was so available.” Sighing heavily again, she said, “I feel so defrauded.”

Nancy was living with the quintessential passive aggressive person. This manner of life is typified by belittling treatment of others via non-cooperation, evasiveness, being dismissive, and avoiding emotional attachments. The goal of the passive aggressive person is to preserve self’s perceived needs at the other person’s expense with the least personal vulnerability. Though they may never speak these words overtly, their behavior covertly communicates: “Try as hard as you like, but you will never pin me down. I’m only interested in my agenda.”

To the passive aggressive, relationships are a competition and they will win no matter the cost.

While passive aggressive people may indeed have pleasant and congenial moments, time eventually reveals such qualities to be part of a disguise. Beneath the surface are trends that could be adjusted but are not. Most prominent among these trends are: (1) a quiet commitment to anger, (2) entrenched fear, and (3) a powerful need for control. Let’s look at each separately.

A quiet commitment to anger.

Some people falsely assume that anger is only evidenced in loud raucous behaviors. If you do not shout or curse or throw things, so the reasoning goes, you probably do not have anger issues. Anger, however, is not that one-dimensional. It is the emotion of self-preservation, prompting individuals to stand up for personal worth, presumed needs, and core convictions. Communicated respectfully, it can actually serve a useful purpose.

Passive aggressive persons have determined to manage their anger on the sly. Wanting to maintain the upper hand, they disdain clean anger since it requires an attitude of dignity and equality. In the spirit of competition, their behavior quietly shouts: “I like my anger because it deflates you and I’ll punish you every time you attempt to put me into your mold.”

Entrenched fear.

Passive aggressive individuals find traits like openness and accountability threatening. They tell themselves, “If I fully expose my feelings or perceptions, you’ll try to invalidate me.” They operate with low confidence that others can be trusted. It is likely that they have historically received shame messages, so they have determined that no one will ever again succeed in making them emotionally vulnerable. Their defenses are overly developed because they are so binary (all or nothing) in their thinking that they do not consider the possibility that some individuals would truly like to relate as one equal to another. They do not allow such hopeful thinking to guide their behaviors.

The need for control.

Passive aggressive people are convinced that the way to succeed in relationships is to be as fully in control as possible. Being cooperative or understanding would mean giving up chunks of power, something they absolutely will not do. When another person has a separate opinion or preference, it cannot be managed at face value. It is instead interpreted as the other person intending to dominate, prompting all sorts of stubborn retorts.

People like Nancy who are trying to come to terms with someone like Norman often make a common mistake by asking the seemingly reasonable question: “How can I make that person cooperate?” Such a question positions them to enter into the One-up/One-down game that they will surely lose. It is a guarantee that when they try to force standards upon the passive aggressive, adversarial responses will ensue.

When advising others about ways to respond cleanly to passive aggressive behaviors, I offer three notions:

1. Recognize that the other person’s behavior is not a referendum about your worth. Do not attempt to persuade that person to give you the respect that will not be given.

2. In sober moments speak non-coercively about your desires for the relationship. Make no demands, but be clear about your preference for honest, fulfilling exchanges.

3. Live with well-defined personal boundaries. If the other person chooses to be difficult, you can proceed with resolve and consequences. Maintain calm firmness even as you choose not to beg for cooperation.

It is sad that some individuals maintain a commitment to an adversarial manner, yet you can determine not to become so drawn into the undertow that you too become unhealthy. The passive aggressive may persist in the attempt to win, but you do not lose when you opt out of the game of rude responses.

Dr. Les Carter is the best-selling author of The Anger Workbook and The Anger Trap. He maintains a private practice at the Southlake Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Southlake, Tx.